Alexander the Malignantly Horrible
So Nate (the bud), Constance (the Girlfriend), and I (the supercool dude that i am) went to see "Alexander" a couple of days ago.
When we went in, we were expecting to see a great and epic movie about Alexander the Great, and from what we were hearing it had everything going for it. Basically the movie should have been an instant success, it had a great main character, Angelina Jolie, lots of action, Angelina Jolie, good acting, Angelina Jolie......and... Angelina Jolie.
At the very least i expected to be only marginally entertained, but this movie managed to take me for a loop and dump my ass right into a pit of shit. As i sat there wallowing in my own sorrow at the lost moola, i could almost hear the hypetalkers laughing merrily at my stupidity for putting money down to see the worst movie of all time.
If i were to use i physical manifestation to explain this movie, i'd use a blackhole. It was a blackhole that managed to suck 3 hours of our lives into it.
I'm one of those movie fanatics that can find at least a few redeeming features about a movie. On an added note, i have NEVER walked out of a movie no matter how bad, but this movie managed to surprise me in two ways:
First, the only redeeming features of this move were Angelina Jolie, and the gratuitous tits and ass shots of Alexander's wife (in an odd rape/subservance/"cut yo' throat out" scene)
Second, i actually DIDN'T walk out (my ass was hovering over the seat as i contemplated just jetting off and leaving the huge ass bag of popcorn my GF talked me into buying).
It just felt like Alexander was trying too hard to copy other movies of the same genre. There was a part where Colin Farrel gave a speech to bolster his troops, but instead of feeling inspired, i could only think one thing..... "He ain't no Mel Gibson".
The speech was too much like a carbon copy of the well known speech pattern of Mel Gibson. The largest thing lacking was focus, and at times Farrel's voice faded in and out as he paced back and forth in front of the assembled army as they yelled with glee at whatever the hell it was he had to say (really kills a speech when you can't hear it).
The Battles themselves appeared like they would have been grandoise and majestic. This is supposed to be the army of Alexander the Great! The battles are bound to be action packed and chaotic, Right?
Chaotic it was, but the scenes themselves seem uninspired and confusing. Instead of feeling awed and excitied, I couldn't help but think i was watching two clouds of dust meshing into a single cloud of the same size but double the volume (lots of air with a load of crap flying around inside).
Confusion is an integral part of any battle or war. As men die around you and the battle rages on, you're bound to get turned around backasswards as you try to make sense of the chaos.
While i was watching these battle scenes, i felt more like a 2 dollar whore on payday than a spectator to a great battle. The camera jounces the viewer around from spot to spot, but when it is in the "hot zone" you suddenly have no clear idea on what side you were viewing.
Once the camera panned out to view the Generals you obviously knew what side you're looking at, but as it cuts back into the battle scene, you can only tell two people are on opposite sides if one is killing the other, or they're marching in column next to each other. Its almost like the extras got lost while they were filming, and they just said "To hell with it! Kill the guy next to you!!"
At one point i saw ranks of Alexander's army moving forward while fighters from the opposing army were fighting stragglers that were trailing behind. That's right, i said BEHIND. What is the sense in leaving ignoring enemy troops still fighting behind your line?! The ranks were pushing forward without a backward glance, and in the foreground you could see a Mycedonian warrior getting gutted by the enemy, BEHIND friendly lines! I'd hate to be on their side if the guy that was in front of me just ignores my bloodcurding screams as i'm getting impaled on the enemy's sword!
While this is all going on, the speakers are blaring this rediculous "inspirational" music. It was a huge symphonic string and woodwind ensemble that should have been played in some recruitment video in the 50's. To me, the music seemed completely alien compared to what was happening onscreen. It swelled and cresendoed at the wrong parts, and was subdued in the parts where it should have been bombarding the audience.
The music they used just didn't fit. All it did was aid in confusing the watcher.
For the past couple of days i have thought about what could have been worse than this movie, and I've finally come to a conclusion. For me, there IS no worse movie. This is the OPUS of all bad movies. The Adolf Hitler of bad movies. The Osama Bin Laden of ALL bad movies.
If i were allowed to view this movie for free, i would have beaten the lifing shit out of the person that gave me the ticket for taking 3 hours of my rapidly shortening life.
Rating: "Holy fricking crap! Stay the hell out of the Theater!!!!"
When we went in, we were expecting to see a great and epic movie about Alexander the Great, and from what we were hearing it had everything going for it. Basically the movie should have been an instant success, it had a great main character, Angelina Jolie, lots of action, Angelina Jolie, good acting, Angelina Jolie......and... Angelina Jolie.
At the very least i expected to be only marginally entertained, but this movie managed to take me for a loop and dump my ass right into a pit of shit. As i sat there wallowing in my own sorrow at the lost moola, i could almost hear the hypetalkers laughing merrily at my stupidity for putting money down to see the worst movie of all time.
If i were to use i physical manifestation to explain this movie, i'd use a blackhole. It was a blackhole that managed to suck 3 hours of our lives into it.
I'm one of those movie fanatics that can find at least a few redeeming features about a movie. On an added note, i have NEVER walked out of a movie no matter how bad, but this movie managed to surprise me in two ways:
First, the only redeeming features of this move were Angelina Jolie, and the gratuitous tits and ass shots of Alexander's wife (in an odd rape/subservance/"cut yo' throat out" scene)
Second, i actually DIDN'T walk out (my ass was hovering over the seat as i contemplated just jetting off and leaving the huge ass bag of popcorn my GF talked me into buying).
It just felt like Alexander was trying too hard to copy other movies of the same genre. There was a part where Colin Farrel gave a speech to bolster his troops, but instead of feeling inspired, i could only think one thing..... "He ain't no Mel Gibson".
The speech was too much like a carbon copy of the well known speech pattern of Mel Gibson. The largest thing lacking was focus, and at times Farrel's voice faded in and out as he paced back and forth in front of the assembled army as they yelled with glee at whatever the hell it was he had to say (really kills a speech when you can't hear it).
The Battles themselves appeared like they would have been grandoise and majestic. This is supposed to be the army of Alexander the Great! The battles are bound to be action packed and chaotic, Right?
Chaotic it was, but the scenes themselves seem uninspired and confusing. Instead of feeling awed and excitied, I couldn't help but think i was watching two clouds of dust meshing into a single cloud of the same size but double the volume (lots of air with a load of crap flying around inside).
Confusion is an integral part of any battle or war. As men die around you and the battle rages on, you're bound to get turned around backasswards as you try to make sense of the chaos.
While i was watching these battle scenes, i felt more like a 2 dollar whore on payday than a spectator to a great battle. The camera jounces the viewer around from spot to spot, but when it is in the "hot zone" you suddenly have no clear idea on what side you were viewing.
Once the camera panned out to view the Generals you obviously knew what side you're looking at, but as it cuts back into the battle scene, you can only tell two people are on opposite sides if one is killing the other, or they're marching in column next to each other. Its almost like the extras got lost while they were filming, and they just said "To hell with it! Kill the guy next to you!!"
At one point i saw ranks of Alexander's army moving forward while fighters from the opposing army were fighting stragglers that were trailing behind. That's right, i said BEHIND. What is the sense in leaving ignoring enemy troops still fighting behind your line?! The ranks were pushing forward without a backward glance, and in the foreground you could see a Mycedonian warrior getting gutted by the enemy, BEHIND friendly lines! I'd hate to be on their side if the guy that was in front of me just ignores my bloodcurding screams as i'm getting impaled on the enemy's sword!
While this is all going on, the speakers are blaring this rediculous "inspirational" music. It was a huge symphonic string and woodwind ensemble that should have been played in some recruitment video in the 50's. To me, the music seemed completely alien compared to what was happening onscreen. It swelled and cresendoed at the wrong parts, and was subdued in the parts where it should have been bombarding the audience.
The music they used just didn't fit. All it did was aid in confusing the watcher.
For the past couple of days i have thought about what could have been worse than this movie, and I've finally come to a conclusion. For me, there IS no worse movie. This is the OPUS of all bad movies. The Adolf Hitler of bad movies. The Osama Bin Laden of ALL bad movies.
If i were allowed to view this movie for free, i would have beaten the lifing shit out of the person that gave me the ticket for taking 3 hours of my rapidly shortening life.
Rating: "Holy fricking crap! Stay the hell out of the Theater!!!!"
posted by Hakai at
5:32 AM
2 Comments:
As a second note. Nate used to joke about how he would name his son Alexander TheGreat (lastname censored to preserve his digity). Unfortunately, after seeing this movie, he's taken a sabbatical from the idea. On top of this he has forbidden anyone to call him "Nate the Great", which we now do to mock him terribly.
By
Hakai, at 2:41 PM
Correction: Nate has confirmed that he does not mind being called "Nate the Great" ("Because i am..." his quote not mine. *grin*), but I HAVE confirmed that if anyone calls him "ALEXANDER!" with enunciation he attacks with the force of a pack of rabid dogs.
By
Hakai, at 2:49 PM
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