."RE: What we were talking about before....Black #$%@ destroying Asian #%$$@

I know that whoever is reading this is going "What in the living hell is this about?!!!"

Well what I'm talking about is Spam.
No, not the delicious hot, or cold mystery meat that you get in an aluminum can. I'm talking about the detritus that litters our inboxes, and steals our left socks when we take them to the wash. (well maybe not the sock, but it sure as hell takes up a hell of a lot of server space!)

From personal experience, a bulk of the spam that is normally received end up being porn. (At least in MY inbox, but I'm absolutely sure everyone else gets it too. Right?)

Ever had one of those days where you're trying to explain to someone that "Re: anal Twats eating hairy bush" WASN'T something you were actually talking to someone about?
My buddy Nate actually brought this subject up the other day as an idea for my blog. Why in the hell would we possibly send someone an email with a title like this? As if our email space isn't filled up enough with the other crap that comes in, we have to deal with crap that we normally really wouldn't like to see one a day to day basis. (I'm up for porn and all, but NOT when i'm checking my email at work!)

Think about it. Every day, millions of Spam emails are sent out and resent like clockwork. You email box is basically a junk folder just waiting to happen!
There you are scrolling through the hundreds of useless emails about mortgages, free IPods, and spyware scanners when you're suddenly hit smack in the face with an email that tries to make you look like a dirty bitch! To make things worse, they have to try to make it look like a REPLY to an email YOU might have sent!
I can just imaging someone opening their mailbox to the title of "Re: Anal Destruction" only to hear one of those "OHMYFUCKINGODWAITTILLTHEOTHERSHEARABOUTTHIS" sounds that precedes the turning of the rumor mill. (Looks like someone is going to be pretty popular around the water cooler for a couple of months. At least until the Secretary/Boss scandal becomes hot topic again!)

Well, as my buddy Nate likes to say, "I didn't/wouldn't send emails to people about blondes, their tiny cunts, and gigantic black boners tearing them apart."
So follow his example and "Just Say NO to Spam!" (editor: unless it's the food!)

Coming up Next week: "Spam, and the idiots that fall for it!"

Alexander the Malignantly Horrible

So Nate (the bud), Constance (the Girlfriend), and I (the supercool dude that i am) went to see "Alexander" a couple of days ago.
When we went in, we were expecting to see a great and epic movie about Alexander the Great, and from what we were hearing it had everything going for it. Basically the movie should have been an instant success, it had a great main character, Angelina Jolie, lots of action, Angelina Jolie, good acting, Angelina Jolie......and... Angelina Jolie.
At the very least i expected to be only marginally entertained, but this movie managed to take me for a loop and dump my ass right into a pit of shit. As i sat there wallowing in my own sorrow at the lost moola, i could almost hear the hypetalkers laughing merrily at my stupidity for putting money down to see the worst movie of all time.

If i were to use i physical manifestation to explain this movie, i'd use a blackhole. It was a blackhole that managed to suck 3 hours of our lives into it.
I'm one of those movie fanatics that can find at least a few redeeming features about a movie. On an added note, i have NEVER walked out of a movie no matter how bad, but this movie managed to surprise me in two ways:
First, the only redeeming features of this move were Angelina Jolie, and the gratuitous tits and ass shots of Alexander's wife (in an odd rape/subservance/"cut yo' throat out" scene)
Second, i actually DIDN'T walk out (my ass was hovering over the seat as i contemplated just jetting off and leaving the huge ass bag of popcorn my GF talked me into buying).

It just felt like Alexander was trying too hard to copy other movies of the same genre. There was a part where Colin Farrel gave a speech to bolster his troops, but instead of feeling inspired, i could only think one thing..... "He ain't no Mel Gibson".
The speech was too much like a carbon copy of the well known speech pattern of Mel Gibson. The largest thing lacking was focus, and at times Farrel's voice faded in and out as he paced back and forth in front of the assembled army as they yelled with glee at whatever the hell it was he had to say (really kills a speech when you can't hear it).

The Battles themselves appeared like they would have been grandoise and majestic. This is supposed to be the army of Alexander the Great! The battles are bound to be action packed and chaotic, Right?
Chaotic it was, but the scenes themselves seem uninspired and confusing. Instead of feeling awed and excitied, I couldn't help but think i was watching two clouds of dust meshing into a single cloud of the same size but double the volume (lots of air with a load of crap flying around inside).

Confusion is an integral part of any battle or war. As men die around you and the battle rages on, you're bound to get turned around backasswards as you try to make sense of the chaos.
While i was watching these battle scenes, i felt more like a 2 dollar whore on payday than a spectator to a great battle. The camera jounces the viewer around from spot to spot, but when it is in the "hot zone" you suddenly have no clear idea on what side you were viewing.
Once the camera panned out to view the Generals you obviously knew what side you're looking at, but as it cuts back into the battle scene, you can only tell two people are on opposite sides if one is killing the other, or they're marching in column next to each other. Its almost like the extras got lost while they were filming, and they just said "To hell with it! Kill the guy next to you!!"

At one point i saw ranks of Alexander's army moving forward while fighters from the opposing army were fighting stragglers that were trailing behind. That's right, i said BEHIND. What is the sense in leaving ignoring enemy troops still fighting behind your line?! The ranks were pushing forward without a backward glance, and in the foreground you could see a Mycedonian warrior getting gutted by the enemy, BEHIND friendly lines! I'd hate to be on their side if the guy that was in front of me just ignores my bloodcurding screams as i'm getting impaled on the enemy's sword!
While this is all going on, the speakers are blaring this rediculous "inspirational" music. It was a huge symphonic string and woodwind ensemble that should have been played in some recruitment video in the 50's. To me, the music seemed completely alien compared to what was happening onscreen. It swelled and cresendoed at the wrong parts, and was subdued in the parts where it should have been bombarding the audience.
The music they used just didn't fit. All it did was aid in confusing the watcher.


For the past couple of days i have thought about what could have been worse than this movie, and I've finally come to a conclusion. For me, there IS no worse movie. This is the OPUS of all bad movies. The Adolf Hitler of bad movies. The Osama Bin Laden of ALL bad movies.
If i were allowed to view this movie for free, i would have beaten the lifing shit out of the person that gave me the ticket for taking 3 hours of my rapidly shortening life.


Rating: "Holy fricking crap! Stay the hell out of the Theater!!!!"